There Is Nothing In My Life Worth Living For.

Anyone who knew me in the 90s would remember hearing these painful words from me, often.

"There is nothing in my life worth living for."

The truth is,

I really did think this at the time, and it was like that for most of the 90s.

These words were said at a time when I was faced with extremely painful circumstances and abuse. I felt there was no way out, and that I would continue falling through that black hole of trauma forever.

Trauma can make you feel unwanted. It can make you feel like your life is a waste.

Here is a fact:

I still live with memories and fear because of trauma, but the difference is that I now know that I have a life worth living.

This is not to say that I don't have my triggers or that I don't still feel the pain from my past.

It means that I have reconstructed my life in a way that adds meaning to it, enabling me to fulfil my dreams and set myself goals and things that bring positivity to my life.

Here is what I do now, that I stopped doing during those bleak years:

• I read
• I write
• I do fitness
• I sing
• I go out with my husband more often
• I study
• I spend time by the sea
• I create things
• I dress my way
• I try new makeup
• I go on holidays
• I set career goals
• I surprise myself by setting new challenges
• I enjoy decorating when I can
• I enjoy cooking, using tools that help me to avoid using gas, because gas triggers me.
• I purposefully look for something positive in every bad situation.

Everybody will have their own set list.

My list contains all the things I can do now that I couldn't do then because of the abuse I was faced with, and because I lacked self-esteem.

I have difficulties today, and I am a carer with disabilities, caring for another who also has disabilities. My situation can be awfully painful at times, because I care alone and I now sleep alone because my husband's disabilities affect me, or they put me at risk of harm when we sleep together.

This led to another change:

Even though I have difficulties sleeping due to stress and sometimes, because my husband needs me in the night, I am starting to feel less terrified and more confident about sleeping alone.

I use sleep sounds to get me through the night, which is something I never thought of trying before. I use sleep meditation.

The playlist (click the link) is a list of wonderful, calming sounds that are designed to soothe your mind. It lifts anxiety, feelings of stress, and relaxes you as you sleep. The soothing sounds help to make me feel less alone in the bedroom, and so far I have managed to sleep well over the last few weeks.

It's easy to get lost in your thoughts when you have spent decades caught in a cycle of negative patterns, or if you have suffered some severely traumatising events.

You can't erase those events, but you can utilize tools and things that you once enjoyed, and even new things that can make your life feel worth living, and doing this, will give you something to look forward to every day.

I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I love doing, and things that I wanted to do with my life.

I found that there were alot more positives I could use, than negatives, and I set a goal to choose one, every day.

I use my sleep meditation at night, even if it is early in the morning when I have finally motivated myself to try and sleep.

Even a couple of hours is better than nothing, and it sets me up for the rest of the day.

Every day, I wake up; I choose at least one enjoyable thing from my set list, and I do it.

I feel satisfied and content at the end of the day, knowing I have done one thing that makes me feel good about myself.

Not every day is a good day.

I still have days when I feel low, or de-motivated. It depends on what has triggered me. On those days, I slow down and try to take care of my feelings, which I usually do through writing.

I try again the next day, even if I don't want to. I spend just five minutes reading a book, or I go out and get some fresh air. This eases me slowly back into my routine, without overload, and helps me clear the relapse thoughts of thinking my life isn't worth living.

It's hard living with trauma; and everybody has different needs or other problems when it comes to mental health.

These sugggestions are not a cure, but I have had personal experience with my own problems for decades.

However, when I feel bad about myself, my setlist helps me to see that,

"My life is worth living."